Darling by Kids These Days

It's four thirty in the evening, and the sky is almost as dark as midnight. She lies beneath the covers, to the sound of thunder rolling outside, struggling to form coherent sentences that would convey her emotions. Raindrops splatter hard against the windows, the storm is moving in. And the thunder rolls.

I am a control freak. Reflecting back on everything that has happened, I realize I've always been the domineering type. My need to always be in control of my situation, to know every detail of it has been a weakness I have yet to overcome. Things could be going well enough for a sane person to know how to sit back and appreciate, but of course, being sane is not in my vocabulary. I don't understand how I allow my trust issues to overwhelm my sanity on so many different levels.

She flicks her lighter and watches the flame burn her cigarette. Inhaling the first puff always has this strange, slightly calming effect over her. The taste of smoke on her tongue, the feel of the smoke in her lungs. Watching the smoke twirl out of her mouth, she's entranced by the shapes it takes and then disappears. How does she express herself this time?

I wonder a lot nowadays, about the things I've done to the people I care about. I look back, and I am embarrassed by my actions. When did I become this heartless? I've gotten extremely selfish when it comes to my happiness, anyone that stands in the way of it gets cut out of the equation (like a circumcised cock). 

Memories fade and burn into nothing. She stares at this post, and wonders at what she's trying to achieve. Looking out the window, she sees the world being rained on. This world that expects so much out of us, a world that holds so much beauty, alongside so much cruelty. 

Relationships-wise, I've been blessed with good people in my life. I suppose I should be thankful that my heart isn't tainted in that aspect, at the very least. With that said, I still turn out to be the one that ruins it all, in the end. How sadistic am I? By skipping the appropriate mourning period (normal) people go through post-breakup, I hold on to the feelings for a longer time. Maybe that's my karma. 

It's a whirlwind out there. It's a whirlwind in here.